Content Warning: Self-Harm, Mental Health Issues
On New Year’s Eve I came dangerously close to attempting suicide.
The root causes are a history of alcoholism, depression, mood disorder, and suicide ideation.
The acute triggers were alcohol, financial stress, anxiety, and shame.
National Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-273-8255
Text 741741 – Crisis Text Line
The Unit
I’ve wrestled with mental health issues – depression most significantly – for as long as I can remember. I was 15 when I started working with a counselor for the first time. In all that time though my point of pride was never having been admitted to a hospital. For as much as I don’t stigmatize my mental health there was still this huge ego monster at work – “At least I’m not that bad!”
When the ambulance crew rang the bell to the 4th floor unit at McNeal Hospital that went out the window. “We have Christopher here.”
Shit. The last bastion of pride and ego stroking was going to crumble the second the gurney was wheeled inside and the door locked behind me. It was surreal on one hand. The detached observer in me was able to notice and OODA Loop my experience – “Stay in the moment. Don’t anticipate, just go with it.” I told myself.
On the other hand it was terrifying. Every fiber in my limbic brain was screaming out in fear. Dressed in a hospital gown, covered in a light blanket, and coming in from a cold New Year’s morning I could feel the fear sweat. I was in flee mode – elevated heart rate, blood pressure, and respiration. My hands were cold from the vasoconstriction. I was hyper-vigilant to the sounds and sights of the unit.
Admission started with an interview and a physical exam. My vital signs were what I expected – elevated from the stress and the dehydration. The questions were pretty standard to other mental health first appointments I’d had. This time I had to answer in the affirmative when it came to “Do you have a plan?” question about suicide. I kept willing myself to relax, to breathe, to stay in the moment.
Give yourself over to this.
I don’t have a submissive bone in my body. I knew I needed to surrender to the moment though and my internal dialogue was focused on that.
I have to say over the course of the seven days I was in the Unit I accumulated about two hours of thinking, “I shouldn’t have come here. I shouldn’t have done this.” Most of that was in the first five hours when I was sitting around in a gown in the day room while everyone else had their clothes – they wash your clothes when you get there, you sit in a gown until they are clean or someone brings you stuff.
After that first day’s uncertainty and fear I realized that being there was a lot like a long boring stretch of overtime at the firehouse. Get up, eat, watch tv, talk, eat, talk, read, hangout, eat, talk, watch tv, go to sleep, and wake up a half dozen times during the night because of noise. The only real differences was not having a continual pot of coffee or being able to go on the air and drive around the district.
I wasn’t in Rehab. My unit was a crisis unit. The idea was to separate you from the chance you could hurt yourself, to dry you out a little bit, and to get you on some medication, There was no extensive, probing therapy or psychoanalysis. We had about three hours a day of group sessions – some were educational, some recreational – that were optional. I went to all of them, and I would recommend that if you are ever there. Don’t isolate yourself, use the tools they have. Sometimes it was boring, sometimes it was condescending, but overall I took something away from each of those sessions.
Give yourself over to this.
The thing that was most striking to me about my time was how good everyone was to one another. There was no arguing, no assholes. The guys who had been there longer helped those of us who were newer – and we in turn did the same as new folks came onto the unit. Folks made sure to offer up anything off their tray they wouldn’t eat for the group to share, and the picky eaters we encouraged to get more calories in. We shared our experiences – what got us there and why – and in sharing opened up to our own selves. I really appreciated everyone I was in with. Men and women came together with a real focus on helping one another. Most of the real work done on the Unit was peer to peer. I’d never been comfortable with that, but I fought to surrender my ego and immerse myself in the moment. Coming together in a community of people who want to be better should come easy to me, but I had to learn how to do it regarding my drinking and mental health. We all have our biases.
I’m so very glad I found the strength to get out of my own way and ask to go to the hospital. I’m grateful that I gave myself over to the experience. No one who has struggled with addiction and a near suicide attempt is fixed in seven days though. The heavy lifting was ahead (and ongoing).